Grow your quiver. A euphemism for, well you know what… or is this an advertisement about The 5 Stages of Death and Skateboarding?
The first stage is Denial.
The opening scene is of a model in a swimsuit and her friend Becky grabs her saying “C’mon there’s no time for pants! We’re having a pillow fight!” -Which of course you know, as anyone does, is a totally normal thing for women to do, especially in the summertime. Wait why are those guys on a mini ramp in the background? Confusion and bewilderment is starting to set in and I am tilting my head at my screen saying to myself “This can’t be happening, this isn’t real. It’s some sort of Roxy advertisement…”
The second stage is Anger.
“What the hell is happening here? Don’t those girls know that at any moment a skateboard is going to fly off the mini and smash one of them in the face?!…GIRLS, BIKINIS, PILLOW FIGHTS AND SKATEBOARDING? WHAAAWHAA WHAT.” I now at this point am verbalizing these things at my screen now, as if there were an answer to my questions and that someone was going to give them to me.
The third stage is bargaining.
“Please don’t let this be real.”
The fourth stage is Depression.
My head is now in my hands staring blankly at the screen wondering if there is worth doing in life. “If that is skating, what have I been doing this whole time? I’m such a waste of space…just hang it up George, you will never skate again.” I let the emotions of self-doubt flood as I know that I shall have wasted countless hours at a crappy skate park, with all dudes sweating with no women in bikinis eagerly cheering as they watch someone land a nollie trefilp crook grind on a downbar.
The fifth and final stage is Acceptance.
“I must buy one. It seems to be the only way I can achieve Skate-enlightenment and have a sense of oneness with the universe.” If this is what it takes these days to get people on skateboards then so be it. At least maybe now that this is the new skateboarding, maybe more of my time will be spent at beautiful houses filled with bubbly models in bikinis, splashing around eager to watch me skate, grow my quiver and party with them. Thanks Globe I know what I must do.